Why Would Anyone Want To Have Children?
I cannot understand why anyone would want to have children.
People talk about the joy of watching your child grow up. Well, let me debunk that misconception.
Infant (0-1.5 year old)
Now, in my opinion, this is the only tolerable development stage. Infants are so cute! Limpid pools, cute hand actions, nascent sounds. Sigh. Why can’t they remain at this stage forever, and not grow up to become nasty brats?
Toddler (1.5-4 year old)
Toddlers everywhere have this word, or sound, which they use in practically every imaginable situation: WAHHHHH. If their diapers are wet, WAHHHHH; if they are hungry, WAHHHHH; if they are bored and have nothing better to do, WAHHHHH.
Oh, I do concede that adults have their own ubiquitous word, but while it offends the ear, it doesn’t deafen. Fuck!
Pre-pubescent (4-12 year old)
Ah, the quintessential brat. Picture this: you and your spouse are out at some fancy restaurant. Her face is illuminated by the faint candle-light, she leans forward and you whisper sweet mutterings into her ear while stroking her hair, but suddenly…
Brat: PAPA, I DON’T WANT TO EAT BROCCOLI!
Me: Hush hush. Broccoli is good for you.
Brat: I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT BROCCOLI! I WANT SPINACH!
Wife: But dear, you said you wanted broccoli just now. And didn’t you say you hated spinach?
Brat: I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT BROCCOLI! I WANT SPINACH!
Well, a nice romantic dinner with your significant other has just turned into a meal from hell. Suddenly the spotlight is on you: those without children are now silently cursing your guts and giving you dagger glares; those who have children are now offering commiserative “been there, done that” looks.
To silence the brat, you have no choice but to order spinach, in the faint hope that it will placate him. However,
Brat: I DON’T WANT TO EAT SPINACH!
Me: What! Didn’t you clamour for spinach just now?
Brat: I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT SPINACH! I WANT BROCCOLI!
Wife: Now dear, don’t be unreasonable. You said you wanted spinach just …
Brat (cuts his mother off): I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT SPINACH! I WANT BROCCOLI!
Me: Now you apologise to your mother this instant. You can’t…
Brat (cuts me off): BROCCOLI, BROCCOLI, BROCCOLI …
All primary school teachers ought to be awarded medals of valour.
Adolescent (12-18 year old)
Adolescence marks an important development, the evolution from bratty to condescending. However, just like uncooked and cooked lemon juice both taste sour, this transition is moot, for they are still as irritating as ever, just in another form.
Child: Hey Pop, do you know how to play Warcraft 6?
Me: Pop?
Child: Get with it. Pop means dad in our lingo. You know, the speak of us fashionable people.
Me: Right. Anyway, I don’t know how to play it.
Child: Oh pop, get with it. How can anyone not know how to play WC6?
Young Adult (18-25 year old)
This stage has its ups and downs. The bad side is that your children become a lot more independent and start attributing any dissonance in thought to you being old-fashioned.
The below conversation on premarital-sex was an actual one I had with my mom when I was 18:
Mum: If you really love a girl, you ought to wait until you marry her.
Me: Ah, that’s just old-fashioned.
Mum: What if you get her pregnant?
Me: Just use condoms.
Me: Besides, there’s a difference between pre-marital sex and promiscuity. I won’t have sex with someone unless I think I’ll marry her. If I do get her pregnant, then I’ll marry her. The mentality that one must be a virgin till one’s wedding day is anachronistic.
However, the good part of this stage is that one has more time to spend with one’s spouse: cooking, dancing, etc---all the stuff that couples do together before their lives were robbed by the births of their children.
Full Adult (25 or older)
Just when you thought that you had your life back, you realised that it was merely a reprieve.
Son: Dad mum, I have great news.
Couple: What would that be? By the way, you really should join us in the Bahamas if you have the time. We are having the time of our life.
Son: xxx (his wife) is pregnant!
Wife (squeals): That’s great news honey!
Son: Um Dad mum, we (him and his wife) are a little busy with our work, so we were wondering if you could come back and help us look after our child.
Couple: Well…
Son: Please? I’m sure he won’t be hard to look after. In fact, I bet he will be as easy to look after as I was.
Me (sardonically): I’m quite sure he will be.
Now why, why in the world would anyone want to sire little monsters that grow up to become large monsters? Why in the world would I want little Daniels and Danielles* running around, depriving me and my wife of the companionship that we swore to each other on the altar? And if they are anything like me, they would probably ask irritating questions like “Daddy, why did you have children? Don’t you realise that we are all diabolical leeches?”
*Danielle is the standard female version of Daniel; don’t be a wise guy (this goes out particularly to my colleague, Daniel Lim =P)
Thus, if the topic of children comes up between my wife and me, I shall muster all the distaste that I can possibly summon, and say, bluntly and firmly, “Sure dear.”
Most women are maternal, and while I don’t believe in being a door-mat, I also believe that forcing this issue means certain divorce. I guess I will just have to become sufficiently inured to the notion of children. Who know, I may even grow to like it.
People talk about the joy of watching your child grow up. Well, let me debunk that misconception.
Infant (0-1.5 year old)
Now, in my opinion, this is the only tolerable development stage. Infants are so cute! Limpid pools, cute hand actions, nascent sounds. Sigh. Why can’t they remain at this stage forever, and not grow up to become nasty brats?
Toddler (1.5-4 year old)
Toddlers everywhere have this word, or sound, which they use in practically every imaginable situation: WAHHHHH. If their diapers are wet, WAHHHHH; if they are hungry, WAHHHHH; if they are bored and have nothing better to do, WAHHHHH.
Oh, I do concede that adults have their own ubiquitous word, but while it offends the ear, it doesn’t deafen. Fuck!
Pre-pubescent (4-12 year old)
Ah, the quintessential brat. Picture this: you and your spouse are out at some fancy restaurant. Her face is illuminated by the faint candle-light, she leans forward and you whisper sweet mutterings into her ear while stroking her hair, but suddenly…
Brat: PAPA, I DON’T WANT TO EAT BROCCOLI!
Me: Hush hush. Broccoli is good for you.
Brat: I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT BROCCOLI! I WANT SPINACH!
Wife: But dear, you said you wanted broccoli just now. And didn’t you say you hated spinach?
Brat: I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT BROCCOLI! I WANT SPINACH!
Well, a nice romantic dinner with your significant other has just turned into a meal from hell. Suddenly the spotlight is on you: those without children are now silently cursing your guts and giving you dagger glares; those who have children are now offering commiserative “been there, done that” looks.
To silence the brat, you have no choice but to order spinach, in the faint hope that it will placate him. However,
Brat: I DON’T WANT TO EAT SPINACH!
Me: What! Didn’t you clamour for spinach just now?
Brat: I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT SPINACH! I WANT BROCCOLI!
Wife: Now dear, don’t be unreasonable. You said you wanted spinach just …
Brat (cuts his mother off): I DON’T CARE! I DON’T WANT SPINACH! I WANT BROCCOLI!
Me: Now you apologise to your mother this instant. You can’t…
Brat (cuts me off): BROCCOLI, BROCCOLI, BROCCOLI …
All primary school teachers ought to be awarded medals of valour.
Adolescent (12-18 year old)
Adolescence marks an important development, the evolution from bratty to condescending. However, just like uncooked and cooked lemon juice both taste sour, this transition is moot, for they are still as irritating as ever, just in another form.
Child: Hey Pop, do you know how to play Warcraft 6?
Me: Pop?
Child: Get with it. Pop means dad in our lingo. You know, the speak of us fashionable people.
Me: Right. Anyway, I don’t know how to play it.
Child: Oh pop, get with it. How can anyone not know how to play WC6?
Young Adult (18-25 year old)
This stage has its ups and downs. The bad side is that your children become a lot more independent and start attributing any dissonance in thought to you being old-fashioned.
The below conversation on premarital-sex was an actual one I had with my mom when I was 18:
Mum: If you really love a girl, you ought to wait until you marry her.
Me: Ah, that’s just old-fashioned.
Mum: What if you get her pregnant?
Me: Just use condoms.
Me: Besides, there’s a difference between pre-marital sex and promiscuity. I won’t have sex with someone unless I think I’ll marry her. If I do get her pregnant, then I’ll marry her. The mentality that one must be a virgin till one’s wedding day is anachronistic.
However, the good part of this stage is that one has more time to spend with one’s spouse: cooking, dancing, etc---all the stuff that couples do together before their lives were robbed by the births of their children.
Full Adult (25 or older)
Just when you thought that you had your life back, you realised that it was merely a reprieve.
Son: Dad mum, I have great news.
Couple: What would that be? By the way, you really should join us in the Bahamas if you have the time. We are having the time of our life.
Son: xxx (his wife) is pregnant!
Wife (squeals): That’s great news honey!
Son: Um Dad mum, we (him and his wife) are a little busy with our work, so we were wondering if you could come back and help us look after our child.
Couple: Well…
Son: Please? I’m sure he won’t be hard to look after. In fact, I bet he will be as easy to look after as I was.
Me (sardonically): I’m quite sure he will be.
Now why, why in the world would anyone want to sire little monsters that grow up to become large monsters? Why in the world would I want little Daniels and Danielles* running around, depriving me and my wife of the companionship that we swore to each other on the altar? And if they are anything like me, they would probably ask irritating questions like “Daddy, why did you have children? Don’t you realise that we are all diabolical leeches?”
*Danielle is the standard female version of Daniel; don’t be a wise guy (this goes out particularly to my colleague, Daniel Lim =P)
Thus, if the topic of children comes up between my wife and me, I shall muster all the distaste that I can possibly summon, and say, bluntly and firmly, “Sure dear.”
Most women are maternal, and while I don’t believe in being a door-mat, I also believe that forcing this issue means certain divorce. I guess I will just have to become sufficiently inured to the notion of children. Who know, I may even grow to like it.
posted by jEsTeR | 10:52 pm
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