Masculine Post

In order to stem accusations that my posts are gay, I have decided to try posting in a more male-like manner.

Huge Disclaimer: Some may find this post offensive. If you are not comfortable with the topic of sex, please skip this particular entry. I emphasise that I do not normally write in such a lewd way, and I mean no disrespect to females. I'm just trying (and failing I think) to be sarcastic.

Method 1: Prefix every few words with fuck or fucking

I went to the fucking gym yesterday, and I saw a couple* fucking. Fuck, they were arguing over who should use the fucking machines. Why don’t they do it somewhere else, like a fucking room where they can have some fucking privacy? A gym isn’t meant for such fucking activities.

*Heterosexual couple

Original text:

I went to the gym yesterday, and I saw a couple. They were arguing over who should use the machines. Why don’t they do it somewhere else, like a room where they can have some privacy? A gym isn’t meant for such activities.

Method 2: Insert phallic references and sexual innuendos

The following extract was taken from a conversation between Mr Sausage and his girlfriend, Virginia. Mr Sausage was trying to bring Virginia to catch the fireworks atop a mount-ain, but had unfortunately lost his way.

Virginia: I can’t believe you’ve lost your way!
Mr Sausage (sheepishly): It is really dark. I mean there are so many roads and streets, but only one tunnel leads to the mount-ain.
Virginia: Sheesh!
Mr Sausage: I don’t understand why you won’t let me use the other tunnel.
Virginia: Don’t be so anal! Besides, with your shitty driving skills, you wouldn’t be able to find it too.
Mr Sausage: …
Virginia: No no, don’t turn left, go straight.
Virginia: No no, a little more left.
Virginia: Down down.
Virginia: You seriously suck at this. I could drive with a single finger and find the tunnel in less than a minute.
Mr Sausage: Well, that’s hardly fair since you have more experience. You drive through this tunnel practically everyday.
Virginia: Don’t blame me. I wouldn’t have to do so if you could drive me. Besides, haven’t you taken your past girlfriends to see the fireworks before?
Mr Sausage: …

Virginia: You must have at least found the tunnel right?

Mr Sausage: ...
Virginia: God, no wonder you spend all your time waxing your car. Every morning and night right?
Mr Sausage: …

[After five minutes of directions]

Virginia: You’ve finally found it.
Mr Sausage (with a sigh of relief): I have haven’t I?
Virginia: Oh man, your engine is sputtering! And we are not even at the foot of the mount-ain.

[Virginia gets out of the car]

Mr Sausage: Where are you going?
Virginia: I’m going to see the fireworks with Mr Rabbit**.

**This DOES not refer to the actual animal.