Five Words of Death

A quote from the British sitcom Coupling:

Steve, you know what the sentence of death is, don’t you? I don’t mean the sentence like in executions and stuff, I mean the scary one... Just five words, Steve. Five little words. ‘Where. Is. This. Relationship. Going.’

There exists another set of five little words that can strike all-consuming terror into the hearts of battle-hardened warriors, a phrase so potent it can reduce lionhearted men of steel to quivering lumps of jelly.

We males do not speak of it! It is an ancient incantation that we males fear above all others. Even now, we refer to it as the-words-which-must-not-be-spoken. I shall not type it out directly for fear of causing heart attacks to any male readers, but for those who must know, it starts with "Do you think" and ends with " I’m fat?"

Men of every race, culture and nation are faced with the prospects of being tormented by this terrifying phrase, for, in spite of us living in an age of unparalleled technological advances, we are unable to formulate an effective counter to the-words-which-must-not- be-spoken.

We have tried hard, but nothing works.

Be truthful? Well, that’s easy if the truth will do (i.e. she’s slender). But what if that’s not the case? If I really wanted to meet my maker, I would choose a less painful method, like death by the Iron Maiden or by Hanging, Drawing and Quartering.

Lying? Don’t bother--- women are incredibly at reading facial expressions and detecting lies. As a female friend of mine put it, “Lying to men is like taking candy from a baby. The other way? Well, try taking meat away from a lioness.”

Diversions? A couple of my friends attempt to divert attention from the-words-which-must-not-be-spoken by making completely unrelated comments like “Wow, your hair looks really good today” or “I think Mango has a sale.” Ambiguous answers? “Well, being slim is subjective and relative...” Well that might work in the caveman era...

Alas, when Prometheus gave mortals fire, why didn’t he also teach males how to respond correctly to the-words-which-must-not- be-spoken?

Disclaimer:
I would like to clarify (to my female friends) that if I said you weren't fat, then I honestly thought you weren't fat. I make it a point not to lie to girls (although that's mainly because I'm a terrible lier rather than due to principles) .