Fear of Fencers

I’ve developed a newfound fear of a female friend after she told me she fenced and had been trained by the national coach. In fact, I’m leaving her identity secret for fear that she may “epee” me when she returns to Singapore.

For those who mock at my timidity, I’ve included a photo of her favoured duelling weapon, the Epee. Make no mistake--- it’s deadly!




Henceforth, I’m going to be very careful with my words around her. Shoot your mouth around a fencer and it may be the last thing you do: I certainly don’t want the situation below to occur:

Me: xxx
Fencer: Are you trying to imply that I’m fat*?
Me: No no no, that was not what I meant!
Fencer: En Gande! (whips Epee out from handbag**)
Me: Umm, there’s no need to get testy. We are all adults. (steps back furtively)
Fencer: You are within my killing zone***. There is no escape.

*Just for the record, this particular friend of mine is quite svelte, but for some inexplicable reason, she seems to think the contrary.
**It may seem physically impossible to store an Epee in a handbag, but handbags seem to be bottomless storage devices which contain everything from purses to pepper-sprays.
***According to another fencer friend, every fencer has his own killing zone which is determined by his/her weapon and athletic ability. Once someone enters that region, he is vulnerable to the fencer’s attack.




Me: Ugh, that was a fatal blow. Could you help me tell Tim that I forgive him, my mom that I love her, and…
Fencer: Sheesh, my Epee is designed to be non-lethal. You can’t die from it!
Me: Oh, like Kenshin and his reverse blade sword.
Fencer: Yup.
Me: Oh, then tell Tim that I won’t forgive him until the day I die!